Equalish Brother: I am calling a group discussion intervention thing-a ma-jig about last night’s pea soup problem. I know some of you were concerned I wouldn’t remember all of the horrors so I brought in a recording of chaos breaking loose in the house as edited by the dog. Once you’ve fallen out of your chair three times and can remember one complaint, get up and smack me in the face when you’re ready.
All: [SMACK PUMMEL KICK SNAP]
Female Family Leader: Man Lesser, you omitted to serve the pea soup with a ladle and instead served it with a slotted spoon. I mean really, who does that?
Man Lesser: But didn’t you say-
Female Family Leader: Buh buh buh! It’s not your turn to talk. Sit and listen.
Equalish Brother: Now, if I could just add-
Female Family Leader: Shut up!
[All eyes widen and Equal Doggy smacks Equalish Brother in the face.]
Sister Superior: [sniffles] When you dropped a bowl of soup on my lap, it wasn’t hot enough. How could you be so stupid? I should be missing at least one layer of warmed flesh!
Man Lesser: [Waves hand in the air like a psychotic twelve year-old.]
Female Family Leader: You may speak. Countdown begins now.
Man Lesser: Ok, ok, ok. You told me to heat the soup to precisely 102 degrees Fahrenheit, a hot enough temperature to begin with, but I even heated it to 102 degrees Celsius, which equals 215.6 degrees Fahrenheit. I was just…so sure it would ruin your ovaries, but I couldn’t deliver. I’m…–
Female Family Leader: Time to shut up!
[Man Lesser puts a garden hose between his buttocks to make it look like he’s a dog walking away with his tail between his legs.]
Equal Doggy: [Takes out his transmitting phonograph to speak in Dog Latin] I’m having a really hard time being on your side, Man Lesser, because, when you used the pea soup to lubricate my eye sockets, it wasn’t salty enough. I really needed to feel that Hell was approaching and you just couldn’t appeal to my sadistic side.
Female Family Leader: Hon, I know you think it’s the woman’s role to make the pea soup and wax your back, but it’s time to wake up and realize that our hair follicles are just as bad as yours. Plus, there’s things wrong with you. And not just your personality. Your face too; there’s something wrong with your face.
Sister Superior: You’re slipping. When you waxed my back last night as I was drinking the pea soup, you literally slipped and ended up waxing my face. That’s the other problem with your soup-it made you wax my face.
Equalish Brother: The soup also did not do well when I used it as an enema. You told me it would flush the feeling right out of my colon but in reality, it flushed the colon right out of me and I had to jam it down my throat for it to settle back into my butt. Now I have to defecate in a bag-because of your pea freaking soup.
Female Family Leader: Ok it’s time for you to close your mouth, son. Let someone more important talk now.
Equalish Brother: Alright…[hot irons the smile on his face to ensure a more permanent look of suppressed chronic depression].
Equal Doggy: Everybody calm down for a minute. The real problem with the soup wasn’t that it didn’t cleanse your colon or burn through your uterus. It’s more that it just didn’t taste good. And I think we’re coming up with all these reasons why it wasn’t good for us, but there’s only one. And it’s that. And you know I’m right. So let’s just hold hands, if they’re not burnt or missing, and hum a Pea Soup Prayer for Santa Claus to hear. He’s a God, right?
Female Family Leader: I…[starts to tear up]. You’re just so…………..
[Everyone starts to tear up]
Female Family Leader: YOU’RE JUST SO DEAD [She flattens the refrigerator on Equal Dog and, realizing that he was superior to Equalish Brother, clocks Equalish Brother on the head with the very spiked ladle that could have prevented this all from happening]. [Within this time span of five minutes, Sister Superior flees to Arizona and, after receiving the wrong idea of love from her parents, marries a chicken named Coward and a coward named Chicken]. As for you, Lesser Man, you’re coming with me!
25 years later we find Lesser Man’s body in the bottom of a new man-made lake filled with rotting pea soup and some poor birds that just wanted soup but drowned trying. Poor birds.
© Katie Berns Lee 2015