Alert, everyone with a stomach! Your gut is a washing machine full of moldy wash cloths just waiting to be bleached, and 2016 is the year of metaphorical Oxyclean! Protein shakes are out and tummy tonics are more than in…your colon. Looking to turn your stomach into a Digestive Unicorn™? Ready to ditch that customized chamber/retching pot your co-workers got you? Here’s an idea: try a blend of Your New Gastrointestinal Support Shake™. We know the two available flavors both taste like sand, but you know what tastes worse? Your creamy indigestion. And in that way, you can be SURE we’ve got you covered, allll the way to the toilet.
If you’re looking for reasons why I’m trying My Gastrointestinal Support Shake, look no further. Read off a list of these babies to anyone else and all will agree: it’s your turn to try Your Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ on for size.
- Your 11th grade AP Psychology exam consisted of a few, uncontrolled internal farts, many stares, and a graceless exit through a far-away window.
- You’ve tried protein shakes, yogurt, and drinking straight from a cow #nofilteredmilk, but people tell me My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ is better than slurping from the urethra of any heifer.
- It’s time the world sees what you’re capable of when not retching into the grunt bucket your office had personally engraved for you while cracking jokes about your decreasing quality of life. The possibilities, unlike your newly controlled IBS symptoms, are endless.
- When you tell people you take probiotics to homogenize the texture of your stool and face, they look at you, unconvinced, and wonder at what point in the Quidditch match you were knocked off your broomstick. Maybe they’ll believe in magic after trying your My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™.
- “Are you pregnant or bloated?” asked that now dead man in your freezer.
- Having dairy is such a burden. You decided to intentionally limit your milkshake enjoyment expectations by choosing between our Some Like it Sandy™ and We Tried™ flavors. You didn’t really want that chocolate cake milkshake or moment of happiness, anyways!
Once you’ve finally gotten off the toilet and to the store, here’s a list of ways I’ve compiled on how to consume these sandy shakes once purchased.
- Since you are required to have four camel-medicine size scoops in liquid per day, and that’s pretty ridiculous once you put two into a glass of water and begin to lose your mind, try separating the scoops. Have one scoop four times a day. This way, you’ll never forget that your shit owns you and that you have obligations or places to go. It’s a friendly reminder that you’re whipped by your own ass, and not the dairy kind of whipped.
- If you are still unable to get the shake down, try pacing through your house in a state of panic. With each pass by the kitchen table, have a swallow, and with each frantic step away from the table, remind yourself that gagging is normal and that your throat will only close after a certain point, and not this point.
- Deep breathing is recommended. Once you begin to drink the beach sand that is this shake, it is easy to forget that breathing is possible. Ignore this sensation and loudly wheeze to force air in.
- While we did provide a French Turd Vanilla™ additive for extra pleasure, it is so subtle that you will hardly notice that the shake isn’t just a pile of shit from your local dog park. It’s all about mind over body. As you swallow the shake, read the label to re-convince yourself that this is what vanilla was meant to taste like.
- For our final tip, we recommend staying by a toilet for at least two hours after drink. Even if you have it in four separate scoops and are shackled to the toilet until the end of your days, remember that this is what health looks like, and that this is toilet time taken charge of by you.
From the My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ Team to you,