How to Prepare for Hurricane Irma Based on the Opinion of Your Casually Ignorant Uncle

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Have you checked the Weather Channel yet? I hear they have terrific off-hours cooking programming. Also there’s a hurricane. And yer gonna die. HEH!”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. You got a coupla’ cans of beer left in the fridge? Maybe melt ‘em for weapons fer when y’all are fightin’ each other for food in the zombie ‘pocalypse!”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. I’d get you some extra peanut butter jellies if I was you. Who knows how long you’ll be porchin’ it before Noah’s Ark picks you up! Plus still zombies. What? No porches?? HEH.”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Maybe if all you’s beach bums squirt out yer sunscreen together, Irma’ll slip ‘n slide over to Canada. Easy. Close. Then ain’t no immigrants will be passin’ through here! HEH, Trump!”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Now I know yer daddy says it’ll sound like a freight train is passing right over yer head, but I say ‘no-big.’ Thomas the Tank just wants to say ‘hello!’ And then he’ll crush you.”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Yer no-good cousin, Jeff, don’t know anything about preparing for hurricanes ‘cause he chose to go to community college and ‘make something of himself!’ Who learns to make extra pbj’s and fight in the damn zombie ‘pocalypse with a book on Mary Poppins? Not HEH.”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Make sure you get out yer Monopoly money to use when the only home you got to back to is your green plastic house on Park Place. HEH.”

“Hey, I hear there’s that hurricane comin’. Hope you ‘customed to all uses of a Swiffer pad after you in crisis tryna’ mop up the water. Or yer blood. Or yer fish. Or yer cryin’ mama who is also my sista. Or yer dignity. OR YER DIGNITY.”

“And my one last piece of advice for yer unaccustomed to wildnerness self: make sure when yer moppin’ up yer tears with toilet paper and wipin’ yer butt with that Swiffer pad I told you about, keep me in for a cut of the insurance money. Ya never know when a disaster might affect me. (heh)”

 

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Party Conversation Starters Derived from the Wisdom of Your Nervous Friend

“Hey, did you know that the dust pile you see by our host’s end table is an accumulation of skin, hair, and your nail clippings along with other bacteria that could be dangerous?

 

“Hey did you know that the right bacteria in the wrong amounts can be dangerous?”

 

“Hey did you know that the napkins everyone is using will grow in number, eventually adding to a landfill that will soon be the size of Oregon and spur the creation of ‘Shit Island’ right near our own sinking Manhattan?”

 

“Did you know that something sinking in the near future will be Manhattan?”

 

“Hey did you know the artificial flavoring in your drink will give you thyroid problems and later cancer? Maybe try V8 in your beverage so as not to disturb the natural equilibrium of your suffering body which will soon crumble under the weight of your toxic decisions.”

 

“Hey, did you know that this building hasn’t been up to code in DECADES and is loaded with asbestos?”

 

“Hey did you know you can also die from asbestos?”

 

“Hey did you know that the antibacterial soap they’ve provided in the bathroom kills all the good bacteria on your hands and leaves you susceptible to diseases that will make you die? Please reference my above mentioning of the dangerous of bacterial imbalance.”

 

“Hey did you know that washing your hands too much in general can make you susceptible to diseases that will also make you die?”

 

“Hey did you know that those crackers you’re eating have artificially enriched bleached flour in them which have high amounts of pesticides and heavy metal and will cause your immune system to fail which will make you die?”

 

“Hey did you know those cute plastic straws that you throw in the trash then end up in the ocean and make their way into the noses and bellies of sea turtles and other animals which causes them to very slowly and painfully die?”

 

“Hey did you know that the super cool hair dye you used to turn yourself into a fucking human anime character is filled with chemicals that will seep into your brain which can cause you a lot of suffering and then also to die?”

 

“Did you know that you dressing as an anime character makes me want to die?”

 

“Hey did you know that all the soda you’re using for mixers comes from plastic containers with known carcinogens that can give you diseases and then you die?”

 

“And also that the sugar from soda can make you die?”

 

“I surely hope you don’t want to die (this can too be used as a standalone conversation starter, despite your doubts).”

 

“Hey did you know that your fish is going to die? That’s just because you’re feeding him shit and he’s wading around in his own urine without any proper filtration system.”

 

“No matter what, we’re all going to die.”

Advertisement for My Gastrointestinal Support Shake

Alert, everyone with a stomach! Your gut is a washing machine full of moldy wash cloths just waiting to be bleached, and 2016 is the year of metaphorical Oxyclean! Protein shakes are out and tummy tonics are more than in…your colon. Looking to turn your stomach into a Digestive Unicorn™? Ready to ditch that customized chamber/retching pot your co-workers got you? Here’s an idea: try a blend of Your New Gastrointestinal Support Shake™. We know the two available flavors both taste like sand, but you know what tastes worse?  Your creamy indigestion. And in that way, you can be SURE we’ve got you covered, allll the way to the toilet.

 

If you’re looking for reasons why I’m trying My Gastrointestinal Support Shake, look no further. Read off a list of these babies to anyone else and all will agree: it’s your turn to try Your Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ on for size.

 

  1. Your 11th grade AP Psychology exam consisted of a few, uncontrolled internal farts, many stares, and a graceless exit through a far-away window.

 

  1. You’ve tried protein shakes, yogurt, and drinking straight from a cow #nofilteredmilk, but people tell me My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ is better than slurping from the urethra of any heifer.

 

  1. It’s time the world sees what you’re capable of when not retching into the grunt bucket your office had personally engraved for you while cracking jokes about your decreasing quality of life. The possibilities, unlike your newly controlled IBS symptoms, are endless.

 

  1. When you tell people you take probiotics to homogenize the texture of your stool and face, they look at you, unconvinced, and wonder at what point in the Quidditch match you were knocked off your broomstick. Maybe they’ll believe in magic after trying your My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™.

 

  1. “Are you pregnant or bloated?” asked that now dead man in your freezer.

 

  1. Having dairy is such a burden. You decided to intentionally limit your milkshake enjoyment expectations by choosing between our Some Like it Sandy™ and We Tried™  flavors. You didn’t really want that chocolate cake milkshake or moment of happiness, anyways!

 

Once you’ve finally gotten off the toilet and to the store, here’s a list of ways I’ve compiled on how to consume these sandy shakes once purchased.

 

  1. Since you are required to have four camel-medicine size scoops in liquid per day, and that’s pretty ridiculous once you put two into a glass of water and begin to lose your mind, try separating the scoops. Have one scoop four times a day. This way, you’ll never forget that your shit owns you and that you have obligations or places to go. It’s a friendly reminder that you’re whipped by your own ass, and not the dairy kind of whipped.

 

  1. If you are still unable to get the shake down, try pacing through your house in a state of panic. With each pass by the kitchen table, have a swallow, and with each frantic step away from the table, remind yourself that gagging is normal and that your throat will only close after a certain point, and not this point.

 

  1. Deep breathing is recommended. Once you begin to drink the beach sand that is this shake, it is easy to forget that breathing is possible. Ignore this sensation and loudly wheeze to force air in.

 

  1. While we did provide a French Turd Vanilla™ additive for extra pleasure, it is so subtle that you will hardly notice that the shake isn’t just a pile of shit from your local dog park. It’s all about mind over body. As you swallow the shake, read the label to re-convince yourself that this is what vanilla was meant to taste like.

 

  1. For our final tip, we recommend staying by a toilet for at least two hours after drink. Even if you have it in four separate scoops and are shackled to the toilet until the end of your days, remember that this is what health looks like, and that this is toilet time taken charge of by you.

 

From the My Gastrointestinal Support Shake™ Team to you,

     Delightful Defecating!

 

 

How to Watch Hillary Debate as the Feminist You Tell People You Are

After walking into the auditorium and choosing your seat, scoot at least three chairs to the right after declaring that you are an independent woman!

Establish a code word or battle cry to chant in case of offensive material from the opposing party. Be prepared to bloody holler at the yapping offenders whether on stage or off; they will hear you. Throw popcorn if necessary.

If a male who was dragged to the debate by his wife comments that she is “looking a little bit tired,” be prepared for a gang brawl against mankind.

Bring a ruler to ensure that the length of your armpit hair equals or trumps that of your neighbors’ leg hair. Definitely no pun intended because, not only do we not mention Trump in this auditorium, we certainly don’t raise him up to the level of the beauty that is naturally growing female underarm hair. Also compare the length of your hairs to the women sitting beside you. It’s like drawing straws, but all of the hairy ladies win.

Ask the women around you how many piercings they have. As you crack a secure smirk, know that they did it for themselves and not for the idiot man next to them. You know what? Ask the men about piercings as well. It’s a free country and everyone’s entitled.

Signs You Know It’s Going to Be a Great Day!

 1. A man screams, “What do you want bitch!?” as you enter Starbucks in the morning. It’s going to be a great day!

2. After calling your doctor to confirm that your blood test results are well on their way, you are informed that, unfortunately, they “lost your urine sample, or something.” It’s going to be a great day!

3. Hours after taking out the morning trash, you notice that you have been walking around with a sanitary pad stuck to the top of your shoe; that’s a level up from toilet paper…a level up. It’s going to be a great day!

4. Hours after the sanitary pad catastrophe, you begin looking for your missing glasses only to be told that, “maybe they’re stuck to your shoe, you idiot!” It’s going to be a great day!

5. You pop your waffles into the toaster oven because your regular toaster is broken and realize that the reason why your house burned down is because you have to flip the waffle halfway through so it doesn’t burn. What is this, pancakes?? It’s going to be a great day…

6. After wishing that your bread would instantly turn to toast so you could bypass another toaster-oven catastrophe, you accidentally begin to use it as a sponge to clean the frying pan you also used to try to make toast. It’s going to be a great day!

7. You trip up the subway stairs after catching your coattail under the heel of your edgy new boots. Why do you think you’re cool enough to wear edgy boots? Who wears jackets with long coattails with edgy new boots?? Who do you think are you, Charlie Chaplin???

8. As you are frantically running past the bus you just missed, you are sprayed in the face with dirty puddle water. Dehydration’s a bitch, and that bus driver had you covered. It’s going to be a great day!

9. When you go outside to walk your dog, you step in a pile of doggy crap left by your selfish neighbor. How did he know your garden needed fertilizer?? How did he know? It’s going to be a great day!

10. As you arrive at work each day, your disgruntled boss sarcastically hollers, “thanks for tolerating me!!!” as steam comes out of his or her ears. Sarcasm is confusing, though; this means your boss is definitely not ready to fire you, right? It’s going to be a great day!

© Katie Berns Lee 2015

Ways to Impress Your Boss

1. Go to your boss’s house and put a loaf of meatloaf on his or her step. Sprinkle some basil on top for good measure; he or she will love some good basil. Back away slowly while subtly chanting “promotion, promotion, PROMOTION.”  Promise.

2. Slowly sneak up on your boss while he or she is working and surprise him or her with a creamy foot massage. They won’t be creeped out. Everyone loves the word creamy. Promise.

3. Make sure to surprise your boss by picking up their children from daycare or school without telling him or her. They won’t be expecting it and definitely won’t think someone kidnapped the kids. Promise.

4. Download the newest pirating software onto your boss’s computer, ya know, to watch stolen TV. Then, delete AdBlock so he or she can receive maximum benefit from the experience. Viruses won’t pop up and destroy the computer. Promise.

5. Take pictures of your boss before, during, and after work as part of a “private security program” that only you are a part of. Your boss will be grateful that he or she is being looked after so carefully. Promise.

6. Break into your boss’s home in order to assess his or her personal tastes. Then, buy presents according to what you have seen. Deliver weekly. Your boss will see you as the truly intuitive individual you are. Promise.

7. Something about taxidermy. Make sure your boss knows that, not only are you interested in stuffed dead things, but he or she could so be as well! Start small with a stuffed parakeet. Then, go bigger. Like lion. Try a lion. It’ll work. Promise.

8. Give them an original portrait based on the stature they assumed while dumping on the toilet. It’s just what you saw when you were peering through the bathroom window on the second floor. Innocent. They will appreciate an art original. Promise.

9. Write your boss an original song drawing from his or her ancestral roots with a corresponding dance. If he or she is Native American, wear a headdress; those aren’t offensive at all. If this isn’t hitting close to home, stage an Aztec human sacrifice. Maybe she isn’t as Indian as you thought. Promise.

10. Most importantly, make sure to tell your boss that you love him or her as you silently and slowly stroke their confused mess of hair. They will appreciate the admiration and unique sense of spine-shaking discomfort as you gently arrange their hair into a coiffure. Promise.

© Katie Berns Lee  

The Pea Soup Intervention

Equalish Brother: I am calling a group discussion intervention thing-a ma-jig about last night’s pea soup problem. I know some of you were concerned I wouldn’t remember all of the horrors so I brought in a recording of chaos breaking loose in the house as edited by the dog. Once you’ve fallen out of your chair three times and can remember one complaint, get up and smack me in the face when you’re ready.

All: [SMACK PUMMEL KICK SNAP]

Female Family Leader:  Man Lesser, you omitted to serve the pea soup with a ladle and instead served it with a slotted spoon. I mean really, who does that?

Man Lesser: But didn’t you say-

Female Family Leader: Buh buh buh! It’s not your turn to talk. Sit and listen.

Equalish Brother: Now, if I could just add-

Female Family Leader: Shut up!

[All eyes widen and Equal Doggy smacks Equalish Brother in the face.]

Sister Superior: [sniffles] When you dropped a bowl of soup on my lap, it wasn’t hot enough. How could you be so stupid? I should be missing at least one layer of warmed flesh!

Man Lesser: [Waves hand in the air like a psychotic twelve year-old.]

Female Family Leader: You may speak. Countdown begins now.

Man Lesser: Ok, ok, ok. You told me to heat the soup to precisely 102 degrees Fahrenheit, a hot enough temperature to begin with, but I even heated it to 102 degrees Celsius, which equals 215.6 degrees Fahrenheit. I was just…so sure it would ruin your ovaries, but I couldn’t deliver. I’m…–

Female Family Leader: Time to shut up!

[Man Lesser puts a garden hose between his buttocks to make it look like he’s a dog walking away with his tail between his legs.]

Equal Doggy: [Takes out his transmitting phonograph to speak in Dog Latin] I’m having a really hard time being on your side, Man Lesser, because, when you used the pea soup to lubricate my eye sockets, it wasn’t salty enough. I really needed to feel that Hell was approaching and you just couldn’t appeal to my sadistic side.   

Female Family Leader: Hon, I know you think it’s the woman’s role to make the pea soup and wax your back, but it’s time to wake up and realize that our hair follicles are just as bad as yours. Plus, there’s things wrong with you. And not just your personality. Your face too; there’s something wrong with your face.

Sister Superior: You’re slipping. When you waxed my back last night as I was drinking the pea soup, you literally slipped and ended up waxing my face. That’s the other problem with your soup-it made you wax my face.

Equalish Brother: The soup also did not do well when I used it as an enema. You told me it would flush the feeling right out of my colon but in reality, it flushed the colon right out of me and I had to jam it down my throat for it to settle back into my butt. Now I have to defecate in a bag-because of your pea freaking soup.

Female Family Leader: Ok it’s time for you to close your mouth, son. Let someone more important talk now.

Equalish Brother: Alright…[hot irons the smile on his face to ensure a more permanent look of suppressed chronic depression].

Equal Doggy: Everybody calm down for a minute. The real problem with the soup wasn’t that it didn’t cleanse your colon or burn through your uterus. It’s more that it just didn’t taste good. And I think we’re coming up with all these reasons why it wasn’t good for us, but there’s only one. And it’s that. And you know I’m right. So let’s just hold hands, if they’re not burnt or missing, and hum a Pea Soup Prayer for Santa Claus to hear. He’s a God, right?

Female Family Leader: I…[starts to tear up]. You’re just so…………..

[Everyone starts to tear up]

Female Family Leader: YOU’RE JUST SO DEAD [She flattens the refrigerator on Equal Dog and, realizing that he was superior to Equalish Brother, clocks Equalish Brother on the head with the very spiked ladle that could have prevented this all from happening]. [Within this time span of five minutes, Sister Superior flees to Arizona and, after receiving the wrong idea of love from her parents, marries a chicken named Coward and a coward named Chicken]. As for you, Lesser Man, you’re coming with me!

25 years later we find Lesser Man’s body in the bottom of a new man-made lake filled with rotting pea soup and some poor birds that just wanted soup but drowned trying. Poor birds.

Poor birds.

© Katie Berns Lee 2015

Things to Ask Potential Partners

1.Do you chew with your mouth open?

            A. Is there room for improvement?

2. Do you follow the rules of Simon Says with fervent sincerity or is everything just one big joke to you?

3. When is it time to shower?

    1. every day
    2. when my armpits smell
    3. when my eyes turn green
    4. right before you kick me out of the apartment. Don’t you want to save on the water bill??

4. Are the dishes meant to be done?

    1. who are you, Socrates?
    2. uhh…uhh…IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION??
    3. so you don’t always do them….?
    4. still don’t get it. you mean WHEN should YOU do them, right?

(If you chose C or D, please see me in the dark alley behind my apartment ASAP.)

5. Do you love yourself? If so, how much do you love yourself? Rate on a scale from 1-10.

6. If your answer from number five is greater than 6, would you please meet me in that same alley behind my apartment? This qualifies as a question, right?

7. Sometimes I wonder if I look fat in those pants. DO YOU?

8. If we had to jump across a cliff to safely escape zombies, could I use you as a ladder? Or would you run away like an idiot as I carefully construct us a log raft for the next leg of the journey you’re clearly not equipped for? Because I need to know now.

9. Are sports a thing for you? If so, how long do I have to pretend to care?

    1. long enough to bring me some wings, baby.
    2. why wouldn’t you care about something so…SQUIRREL!
    3. just make me and my buds some sandwiches and…[SMACK]
    4. if you could just nod your head once to let me know that you’re bored, but very much alive.

10. In terms of the wedding I’ve already planned, will you be too fat to fit into the tux I bought when I first saw you across the aisle at Publix?

    1. And could you make sure you gel your hair for our big day? I remember when I saw that scraggly hair near your left ear for the first time…when I stared at you through your fourth floor apartment window two years before we “met.”

11. Now, I’ve already rummaged through your psychological/criminal work-up. Will I find out that you’ve murdered people other than that one I already know about? Because we should cap it at that.

    1. Did you care or are you a sociopath? Would you know you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? Would you care that you didn’t know that you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? 

12. Money’s cool. Do you:

    1. spend till the end
    2. save for your friend Dave
    3. go on a binge to buy me a Benz
    4. just not care at all because Mommy and Daddy are going to take care of you for the rest of your life like the spoiled, first-born bitch you really are

(if you chose D, I’m totally into Momma’s Boys so come hither, babes)

13. Do you sleep with the TV on to drown out your pathetic thoughts or is it a white noise thing? Because if it’s a white noise thing, we’re going to have a problem.

14. How do you feel about chocolate?

    1. it’s a chick thing
    2. why is there even a question mark there?
    3. it’s why I won’t be fitting into the wedding tux you selected for me
    4. I prefer vanilla

(If you chose B, the sentence wouldn’t make sense without a question mark, so please re-evaluate your life without structure and grammar. If you chose D, please find the nearest cliff, try to scale it, fall off, and rearrange your chocolate-less brain on the rocky path below. If you feel threatened by this comment, there’s more where that came from, you idiot!)

15. If you need to cover your head, how Dad are you going to look?

    1. Fedora (you think you’re stylish, you idiot??)
    2. Helmet of Rogaine foam to cover your stupid cueball. THIS ISN’T POOL. GROW SOME HAIR.
    3. Visor with attached toupee? If we are indoors, do you take your hair off? How stupid will you look? I’ll need to know ahead of time.
    4. Cowboy hat. You know what? No. I’m not even going to let you choose this one.
  1. Are you okay with baths or do you prefer basements? Just as a sorta fun prenup precaution thinga-ma-jig, I need to know if I can easily drown you or if you would prefer a good old-fashioned suffocation if things go south. JUST IN CASE. I PROMISE.

© Katie Lee 2015

A Note to Successful People

Dear Successful People,

     What exactly is it that you have and I don’t? Is it the extra futon in your living room? Because I have that. In my neighbor’s house. Well, it’s his so technically it doesn’t count but… Or is it the fancy hair products that make your hair sway instead of fall out of your head in the breeze? Because I can do without hair, but can you? Maybe it’s the way people treat you after finding out you are a “banker” or a “soul sucking taxman who is wiring your brain into the government’s surveillance system as we speak.” Because I can do that, too. Look, I just took a picture of your butt. Who’s reputable now?? Sometimes I wonder if people wonder if I wonder about my future. Just because my cat is eating her foot doesn’t mean I can’t be a provider. I know your wife’s prosthetic arm is made of gold, but does that make her well fed? I can see her ribs. I have x-ray vision. I am Superman. If I were to ask you why your car has a horse on the front, would you not tell me it is because it makes you feel like you’re riding a pony, because you’re gay? It’s okay if you’re gay. Successful people can be gay and I can be gay, too. That’s how it works. Oh-my friend just told me that the horse means Ferrari which means it costs more than my life insurance plan. That’s fine. Regardles…you Successful People aren’t really all you say to be. If one of you would just let my cat chew on your leg for a little maybe I’d give you one of the gold stars I’ve been using to shield myself from the rain. But until then, watch yourself and be aware that I am always ready to take a picture of your x-ray visioned butt.

Sincerely,

   Everyone Voting for Bernie Sanders and Katie

The Best Worst Places to Take a Phone Call

  1. Phoning while jogging: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is your stifled sex breathing, please wait until sex. And do it there so it’s more genuine. So basically just tell the other person, “hold on a minute, let me go have sex. Then we can continue this conversation.” No one wants to hear your “ba-dump ba-dump” bodily jog thumping unless if it is a “ba-dump” for real.

2. Phoning while peeing: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is your personal Niagara Falls of a urine flow, as well as the Rocky Mountain avalanche that is your crumbling stool, feel advised to continue doing that. Because people love that. And they will ask you to “crank it up,” referring to your bathroom habits and not the tone of your ever-distant voice.

3. Phoning while in the car with others: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is your personal conversation, feel advised to step out of the window and ruin your face on the concrete below. Everyone wants to feel like a caged torture victim, susceptible to your every cochlear implant-cracking word. Everyone!

4. Phoning while walking amidst hurricane-force winds: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is wind turbulence jettisoning through the speaker on your about-to-blow-away phone, do! It’s always nice to feel as though one is speaking through a tin can telephone while a rabid dog chews the connecting rope. Hearing is for rookies!

5. Phoning while listening to your child’s Salutatorian speech: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is you loudly making words in an attempt to outdo the token elementary school nerd, other parents will surely cheer you on! The Valedictorian really deserved the respect, so if anyone complains, tell them to buckle down, get a grip, and learn that free speech is protected by the PTA. Your child should have done better anyways.

6. Phoning while eating chicken salad (with real mayonnaise): if you wish to expose others to the horror that is you speaking while sloshing mushed chicken around in your mouth, make sure it’s sloppy enough for the person on the other end to join in for added fun. People love to picture others engaging in gag-inducing activities involving saliva and blended chicken. What a better way to cleanse your colon than to chuck everything up after listening to that?? There ain’t none.

7. Phoning while on a safari: if you wish to expose others to the horror that is the sound of your head being bitten off by a tiger, do it. DO IT. I mean, really. As the desensitized ‘Muricans we are, those on the other end of the phone would rather be listening to the crunching of your face bones than to your voice that makes me want to crunch my own bones…in my own face…by my own self. I’ll be okay.