Signs You Know It’s Going to Be a Great Day!

 1. A man screams, “What do you want bitch!?” as you enter Starbucks in the morning. It’s going to be a great day!

2. After calling your doctor to confirm that your blood test results are well on their way, you are informed that, unfortunately, they “lost your urine sample, or something.” It’s going to be a great day!

3. Hours after taking out the morning trash, you notice that you have been walking around with a sanitary pad stuck to the top of your shoe; that’s a level up from toilet paper…a level up. It’s going to be a great day!

4. Hours after the sanitary pad catastrophe, you begin looking for your missing glasses only to be told that, “maybe they’re stuck to your shoe, you idiot!” It’s going to be a great day!

5. You pop your waffles into the toaster oven because your regular toaster is broken and realize that the reason why your house burned down is because you have to flip the waffle halfway through so it doesn’t burn. What is this, pancakes?? It’s going to be a great day…

6. After wishing that your bread would instantly turn to toast so you could bypass another toaster-oven catastrophe, you accidentally begin to use it as a sponge to clean the frying pan you also used to try to make toast. It’s going to be a great day!

7. You trip up the subway stairs after catching your coattail under the heel of your edgy new boots. Why do you think you’re cool enough to wear edgy boots? Who wears jackets with long coattails with edgy new boots?? Who do you think are you, Charlie Chaplin???

8. As you are frantically running past the bus you just missed, you are sprayed in the face with dirty puddle water. Dehydration’s a bitch, and that bus driver had you covered. It’s going to be a great day!

9. When you go outside to walk your dog, you step in a pile of doggy crap left by your selfish neighbor. How did he know your garden needed fertilizer?? How did he know? It’s going to be a great day!

10. As you arrive at work each day, your disgruntled boss sarcastically hollers, “thanks for tolerating me!!!” as steam comes out of his or her ears. Sarcasm is confusing, though; this means your boss is definitely not ready to fire you, right? It’s going to be a great day!

© Katie Berns Lee 2015

Ways to Impress Your Boss

1. Go to your boss’s house and put a loaf of meatloaf on his or her step. Sprinkle some basil on top for good measure; he or she will love some good basil. Back away slowly while subtly chanting “promotion, promotion, PROMOTION.”  Promise.

2. Slowly sneak up on your boss while he or she is working and surprise him or her with a creamy foot massage. They won’t be creeped out. Everyone loves the word creamy. Promise.

3. Make sure to surprise your boss by picking up their children from daycare or school without telling him or her. They won’t be expecting it and definitely won’t think someone kidnapped the kids. Promise.

4. Download the newest pirating software onto your boss’s computer, ya know, to watch stolen TV. Then, delete AdBlock so he or she can receive maximum benefit from the experience. Viruses won’t pop up and destroy the computer. Promise.

5. Take pictures of your boss before, during, and after work as part of a “private security program” that only you are a part of. Your boss will be grateful that he or she is being looked after so carefully. Promise.

6. Break into your boss’s home in order to assess his or her personal tastes. Then, buy presents according to what you have seen. Deliver weekly. Your boss will see you as the truly intuitive individual you are. Promise.

7. Something about taxidermy. Make sure your boss knows that, not only are you interested in stuffed dead things, but he or she could so be as well! Start small with a stuffed parakeet. Then, go bigger. Like lion. Try a lion. It’ll work. Promise.

8. Give them an original portrait based on the stature they assumed while dumping on the toilet. It’s just what you saw when you were peering through the bathroom window on the second floor. Innocent. They will appreciate an art original. Promise.

9. Write your boss an original song drawing from his or her ancestral roots with a corresponding dance. If he or she is Native American, wear a headdress; those aren’t offensive at all. If this isn’t hitting close to home, stage an Aztec human sacrifice. Maybe she isn’t as Indian as you thought. Promise.

10. Most importantly, make sure to tell your boss that you love him or her as you silently and slowly stroke their confused mess of hair. They will appreciate the admiration and unique sense of spine-shaking discomfort as you gently arrange their hair into a coiffure. Promise.

© Katie Berns Lee  

The Pea Soup Intervention

Equalish Brother: I am calling a group discussion intervention thing-a ma-jig about last night’s pea soup problem. I know some of you were concerned I wouldn’t remember all of the horrors so I brought in a recording of chaos breaking loose in the house as edited by the dog. Once you’ve fallen out of your chair three times and can remember one complaint, get up and smack me in the face when you’re ready.

All: [SMACK PUMMEL KICK SNAP]

Female Family Leader:  Man Lesser, you omitted to serve the pea soup with a ladle and instead served it with a slotted spoon. I mean really, who does that?

Man Lesser: But didn’t you say-

Female Family Leader: Buh buh buh! It’s not your turn to talk. Sit and listen.

Equalish Brother: Now, if I could just add-

Female Family Leader: Shut up!

[All eyes widen and Equal Doggy smacks Equalish Brother in the face.]

Sister Superior: [sniffles] When you dropped a bowl of soup on my lap, it wasn’t hot enough. How could you be so stupid? I should be missing at least one layer of warmed flesh!

Man Lesser: [Waves hand in the air like a psychotic twelve year-old.]

Female Family Leader: You may speak. Countdown begins now.

Man Lesser: Ok, ok, ok. You told me to heat the soup to precisely 102 degrees Fahrenheit, a hot enough temperature to begin with, but I even heated it to 102 degrees Celsius, which equals 215.6 degrees Fahrenheit. I was just…so sure it would ruin your ovaries, but I couldn’t deliver. I’m…–

Female Family Leader: Time to shut up!

[Man Lesser puts a garden hose between his buttocks to make it look like he’s a dog walking away with his tail between his legs.]

Equal Doggy: [Takes out his transmitting phonograph to speak in Dog Latin] I’m having a really hard time being on your side, Man Lesser, because, when you used the pea soup to lubricate my eye sockets, it wasn’t salty enough. I really needed to feel that Hell was approaching and you just couldn’t appeal to my sadistic side.   

Female Family Leader: Hon, I know you think it’s the woman’s role to make the pea soup and wax your back, but it’s time to wake up and realize that our hair follicles are just as bad as yours. Plus, there’s things wrong with you. And not just your personality. Your face too; there’s something wrong with your face.

Sister Superior: You’re slipping. When you waxed my back last night as I was drinking the pea soup, you literally slipped and ended up waxing my face. That’s the other problem with your soup-it made you wax my face.

Equalish Brother: The soup also did not do well when I used it as an enema. You told me it would flush the feeling right out of my colon but in reality, it flushed the colon right out of me and I had to jam it down my throat for it to settle back into my butt. Now I have to defecate in a bag-because of your pea freaking soup.

Female Family Leader: Ok it’s time for you to close your mouth, son. Let someone more important talk now.

Equalish Brother: Alright…[hot irons the smile on his face to ensure a more permanent look of suppressed chronic depression].

Equal Doggy: Everybody calm down for a minute. The real problem with the soup wasn’t that it didn’t cleanse your colon or burn through your uterus. It’s more that it just didn’t taste good. And I think we’re coming up with all these reasons why it wasn’t good for us, but there’s only one. And it’s that. And you know I’m right. So let’s just hold hands, if they’re not burnt or missing, and hum a Pea Soup Prayer for Santa Claus to hear. He’s a God, right?

Female Family Leader: I…[starts to tear up]. You’re just so…………..

[Everyone starts to tear up]

Female Family Leader: YOU’RE JUST SO DEAD [She flattens the refrigerator on Equal Dog and, realizing that he was superior to Equalish Brother, clocks Equalish Brother on the head with the very spiked ladle that could have prevented this all from happening]. [Within this time span of five minutes, Sister Superior flees to Arizona and, after receiving the wrong idea of love from her parents, marries a chicken named Coward and a coward named Chicken]. As for you, Lesser Man, you’re coming with me!

25 years later we find Lesser Man’s body in the bottom of a new man-made lake filled with rotting pea soup and some poor birds that just wanted soup but drowned trying. Poor birds.

Poor birds.

© Katie Berns Lee 2015

Things to Ask Potential Partners

1.Do you chew with your mouth open?

            A. Is there room for improvement?

2. Do you follow the rules of Simon Says with fervent sincerity or is everything just one big joke to you?

3. When is it time to shower?

1. every day
2. when my armpits smell
3. when my eyes turn green
4. right before you kick me out of the apartment. Don’t you want to save on the water bill??

4. Are the dishes meant to be done?

1. who are you, Socrates?
2. uhh…uhh…IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION??
3. so you don’t always do them….?
4. still don’t get it. you mean WHEN should YOU do them, right?

(If you chose C or D, please see me in the dark alley behind my apartment ASAP.)

5. Do you love yourself? If so, how much do you love yourself? Rate on a scale from 1-10.

6. If your answer from number five is greater than 6, would you please meet me in that same alley behind my apartment? This qualifies as a question, right?

7. Sometimes I wonder if I look fat in those pants. DO YOU?

8. If we had to jump across a cliff to safely escape zombies, could I use you as a ladder? Or would you run away like an idiot as I carefully construct us a log raft for the next leg of the journey you’re clearly not equipped for? Because I need to know now.

9. Are sports a thing for you? If so, how long do I have to pretend to care?

1. long enough to bring me some wings, baby.
2. why wouldn’t you care about something so…SQUIRREL!
3. just make me and my buds some sandwiches and…[SMACK]
4. if you could just nod your head once to let me know that you’re bored, but very much alive.

10. In terms of the wedding I’ve already planned, will you be too fat to fit into the tux I bought when I first saw you across the aisle at Publix?

1. And could you make sure you gel your hair for our big day? I remember when I saw that scraggly hair near your left ear for the first time…when I stared at you through your fourth floor apartment window two years before we “met.”

11. Now, I’ve already rummaged through your psychological/criminal work-up. Will I find out that you’ve murdered people other than that one I already know about? Because we should cap it at that.

1. Did you care or are you a sociopath? Would you know you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? Would you care that you didn’t know that you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? 

12. Money’s cool. Do you:

1. spend till the end
2. save for your friend Dave
3. go on a binge to buy me a Benz
4. just not care at all because Mommy and Daddy are going to take care of you for the rest of your life like the spoiled, first-born bitch you really are

(if you chose D, I’m totally into Momma’s Boys so come hither, babes)

13. Do you sleep with the TV on to drown out your pathetic thoughts or is it a white noise thing? Because if it’s a white noise thing, we’re going to have a problem.

14. How do you feel about chocolate?

1. it’s a chick thing
2. why is there even a question mark there?
3. it’s why I won’t be fitting into the wedding tux you selected for me
4. I prefer vanilla

(If you chose B, the sentence wouldn’t make sense without a question mark, so please re-evaluate your life without structure and grammar. If you chose D, please find the nearest cliff, try to scale it, fall off, and rearrange your chocolate-less brain on the rocky path below. If you feel threatened by this comment, there’s more where that came from, you idiot!)

15. If you need to cover your head, how Dad are you going to look?

1. Fedora (you think you’re stylish, you idiot??)
2. Helmet of Rogaine foam to cover your stupid cueball. THIS ISN’T POOL. GROW SOME HAIR.
3. Visor with attached toupee? If we are indoors, do you take your hair off? How stupid will you look? I’ll need to know ahead of time.
4. Cowboy hat. You know what? No. I’m not even going to let you choose this one.

16. Are you okay with baths or do you prefer basements? Just as a sorta fun prenup precaution thinga-ma-jig, I need to know if I can easily drown you or if you would prefer a good old-fashioned suffocation if things go south. JUST IN CASE. I PROMISE.

© Katie Lee 2015