This is the first unrevised draft of an original musical sketch entitled “Everyone’s a Life Coach.” I’ve found that, recently, many people are becoming life coaches upon making it through personal struggles. I actually do believe that this can be a completely valid way to gain proper experience to help others, but because I’m me, I’ve decided to make fun of it anyways. I think this piece is super dumb, so that means you should read it. It follows the melody of the video I posted on the Facebook if you are so inclined to hear what it may sound like sung aloud. Enjoy.
INT. MEDITATION ROOM
Meditators are sitting in silence with the instructor sitting at the front of the room.
INSTRUCTOR
Now, take another deep breath in…and…when you exhale, release all that no longer serves you.
The class inhales and exhales in unison.
INSTRUCTOR
One last time…inhale…and…this time after you exhale…
Everyone inhales deeply, and on the exhale, the instructor yells:
INSTRUCTOR
YOU LOT OF RANDOS ARE OFFICIALLY LIFE COACHES!!!
Everyone develops sparkles in their eyes, standing to jump around and scream/chirp/fart in joy.”Curb Your Enthusiasm”-like music starts to play (real dumb) and continues throughout.
4 bars
INSTRUCTOR
(singing, walking through crowd of nutcases) Everyone’s a life coach. Everyone can tell you what to do.
Gesturing arms outward, walking around room of lunatics.
Everyone’s a life coach. Everyone knows much better than you.
What to do, oh, what to do, everyone can tell you what to do,
Much better than you, they’re better than you, this random-ass person knows what to do.
MARIE (JUST BECAME LIFE COACH)
(talk-singing to instructor) Ok, so one time I was too lazy to Nair my arms, so I decided to shave them and risk bumps forever. BUT-when I discovered that my arms remained smooth post-shave, plus when we exhaled and stuff, I KNEW I could help thousands of people going through the exact same thing!
Everyone in the class cheers her on!
ALL
She knew what to do, oh what to do, so pay her money cuz she’s better than you,
MARIE
I’m better than you, much better than you, so hire for me a hundy, you’ll be a better you.
CAMERA PANS AROUND ROOM
New life coaches writing out new plans, bouncing ideas off of each other…ya know, stuff. The instructor walks around, smiling, encouraging each of her graduates. She walks up to a a man with glistening skin who is humming with his eyes closed.
INSTRUCTOR
(talking) Mark! You are absolutely glowing. What did YOU release on that majestical exhale?
He slowly and obnoxiously opens his eyes.
MARK
Well I am GLAD. YOU. ASKED. I was able to summon all the energy from my deeply-rooted cystic acne and SHIT it out upon the prescribed exhalation…and look at me now!
He levitates and sparkles surround his face. Angels sing.
MARK
And you know what this means…
INSTRUCTOR
Yes…I…do (smiles excitedly)
ALL
(singing) NOW he’s a life coach. Now he can tell you what to do. Now he’s a life coach, now that he knows much better than you.
MARK
Much better than you, much better than you, my lack of qualifications but superior personal experience makes me better than you.
Instructor walks around in a state of knowing pride, saluting, hip-bumping these newly-bred coaches. She finally approaches someone setting up a desk lined with certificates of completed coaching courses.
Matt, dressed in a regular collared shirt and tie, sits at his desk carefully organizing papers and dusting off a corner of his desk.
INSTRUCTOR
(talking) And what is going on over here, Matt?
MATT
(excitedly but with quiet, nerdy voice) Well, as you can see, I went through extensive training before this class, gathering coaching certifications from three different universities and really delving into–
The instructor nods as long as she can but soon begins to struggle for air, about to pass out. The room spins. Music slows.
CAMERA MIMICS EFFECT OF ROOM SPINNING AND SLOWING DOWN
INSTRUCTOR
(sweetly) I want you to know that anyone else in their right mind would be proud of you, but your proper amount of qualifications and strong organizational strategies are killing me…
Music stops. Everyone gasps and comes to the instructor’s side as the life drains from her. A moment of silence as she dies.
Everyone slowly and angrily turns towards Matt who is chattering.
MATT
(nervously singing and snapping without music) What to do, oh what to do, I really think I know exactly–
INSTRUCTOR
(music comes back in strongly, singing) –WHAT TO DO! What to do, oh what to do, I’ve died and come back to life so I know what to do!
Everyone gasps and cheers. She’s alive!
Give me all your money, I’m better than you, I also take payment in the form of desirable body parts so I can tell you what to do…
Music slows happily.
RANDOM PERSON
(talking with ridiculous excitement) IT’S THE ULTIMATE LIFE COACH CERTIFICATION: DYING AND COMING BACK TO LIFE!
Instructor walks through crowd smiling and waving, practically floating. Everyone whispers with excitement.
RANDOM PERSON
(singing as if on a cloud) She’s the ultimate life coach, now she can tell us what to do,
She’s the ultimate life coach, here’s my fucking head just tell me what to do.
He gets a saw ready and everyone lowers him onto a chopping block.
SCENE
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